Letters from Judy: When Your Loss Is Not Recognized

“You were so lucky to have her for so long.” 

Martha was 75 years old when her mother, Rose, died. Rose had just turned 101. Martha’s friends comforted her by saying how lucky Rose was to live so long, and how lucky Martha was to have that time with her.

But Martha did not feel lucky. Martha’s father had died when she was 45 years old, and at 50, she and her husband divorced. Rose welcomed her back to her childhood home and was Martha’s biggest supporter after her divorce. For 25 years, they did everything together. After Rose’s death, Martha felt bereft. She was alone for the first time in her life. She would have given anything for one more day. 

Martha’s story is an example of disenfranchised grief. Disenfranchised grief is any grief that society does not accept or recognize. You may think that the death of a family member is one of the most common losses that society does recognize, but Martha’s experience shows how the specifics of a loss can make it disenfranchised: when an elderly parent dies, the reaction, support, and condolences are much different than for a younger person. It can feel like that grief is not valid. 

Disenfranchised grief can take many forms, from the loss of a pet or job to the grief that comes from accepting the end of an unhappy marriage. When our grief feels unrecognized, it is easy to get stuck in it—we do not have the social support and structure to mourn, so we do not process our reactions as they arise.

And it’s not just external factors that can invalidate our grief. Sometimes, a loss is tied to remorse or shame that causes us to disenfranchise ourselves. We might not feel entitled to grieve when we’ve made a choice related to our loss, such as giving up a child for adoption or choosing to divorce a partner.

Have you ever felt that your grief was not accepted? I’d love to hear your experiences with loss that felt unrecognized, whether by others or by yourself. Send me an email here—and when you do, consider the questions below.

Reflections for Processing Disenfranchised Grief

• Do you find yourself, consciously or unconsciously, comparing your grief to others? Do you diminish your grief?
• What would it feel like for others to accept your grief?
• What would it feel like to give yourself permission to grieve a loss that you feel shame or remorse about?
• Make a list of tangible ways you would like to feel supported in your disenfranchised grief. Then, ask a loved one for one piece of support from that list.