Letters from Judy: It takes heart to tell your story

Finding the courage to connect

From therapeutic art workshops with cancer patients to podcast interviews with athletic coaches, I’ve seen how different the effects of grief are in different people. We can feel it emotionally, we can watch it manifest itself physically, and we can see it reflected in our behaviors.

But at the very center of the grief experience is the heart.

The heart is sometimes depicted as a fragile, tender thing, like a sculpture made of glass—easy to shatter if you drop it too hard. But I’ve found that the heart is more than that. It’s where we keep some of the most determined, persistent aspects of our inner lives—things like memory, courage, fear, and love. Things that do not go away easily, that insist on folding themselves into our very sense of self. Things that, with every ounce of determination they can find, remain.

I couldn’t frame this into words, though, until a friend of mine told me about a conversation she had with her cardiac nurse while getting a routine echocardiogram. The nurse had been doing her job for thirty-nine years, but she was still endlessly enthusiastic. She pointed out the four chambers, counting them aloud, then each one of the valves. As they listened to the sound of my friend’s heartbeat through the monitor, the nurse paused.

“Isn’t it amazing?” she asked, awestruck. “And to think, for some folks it’ll do that for a hundred years. No matter what happens to it, no matter who hurts it or what abuse it suffers. No matter how many times it breaks, it keeps going. If you’re alive, it just keeps on beating.”

It was comforting to know that we all have this kind of resilience built-in. Like our hearts, we can keep going, even through unimaginable circumstances. And, like doctors, nurses, social workers, and even family and friends can help us when our physical body is suffering, we can work through our grief even better with a community of support. Over and over, I’ve seen how the courage to share our stories with others can snowball into:

• Connection
• Relief
• Validation
• Reducing stigma
• New perspectives
• Empowerment
• Healing
• Making meaning
• Understanding

Reaching out can be scary, though. It means opening ourselves up to others. It means embracing vulnerability and asking for help. Some of the most courageous people I worked with during my time in hospice care were the families and friends of my patients.

I remember one young widow who said, “When my husband died, I died too. My children needed me more than ever, and all I could do was cry. I don’t know how I made it through those early days.” But, though she felt like her world had gone dark, it didn’t. Like her ever-beating heart, she kept going and, ultimately, found healing and hope through community.

And so can you.

Until next time, I remain yours in hope,

Hearts of Hope is always open to hearing from you. Don’t be afraid to share your story with us. For more resources, reach out to learn about our Moving Forward Bereavement Support Program